Author's Note: My poet's poem was called As I Walked Out One Evening by W.H Auden. My version of the poem is called The Shadow Man, and is basically about a boy who at first is trying to get rid of his shadow, and then begins to play with it even naming it, but as the sun sets his shadow grows larger and "scarier". The inspiration for this piece came partly from a video that I saw of a toddler who was scared of her shadow, and then just from me randomly watching my shadow as I took a walk with my dog. This was actually really hard for me, seeing as I don't exactly enjoy writing poetry, so I kind of put it off for a really long time. Also the Voice Thread is right at the beginning of my version of the poem.
Original Version:
As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.
And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
'Love has no ending.
'I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street,
'I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.
'The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.
And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
'Love has no ending.
'I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street,
'I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.
'The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages
And the first love of the world.'
But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
'O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.
'In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.
'In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.
'Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver's brilliant bow.
'O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed.
'The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.
'Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
And Jill goes down on her back.
'O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.
'O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.'
It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.
And the first love of the world.'
But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
'O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.
'In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.
'In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.
'Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver's brilliant bow.
'O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed.
'The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.
'Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
And Jill goes down on her back.
'O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.
'O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.'
It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.
My Version (voice thread is right under this, and you are going to have to copy and paste the url to get to it):
http://voicethread.com/share/1990119/
As I skipped out one evening,
Running past the birch tree
I noticed a little man,
Walking there beside me.
His shadowy figure followed
Exactly what I did,
Never faltering in his act
Even when I slid.
I jumped around all wild
Springing through warm summer air,
Trying to get rid of this copy cat
Chasing me he sprang with no care.
Stopping short I turned to study
Study my ever there friend,
The man's shadowy existence
Follows me to the end.
Standing stock still in the dirt
I watch this new creature,
In early evening silence
Discerning this man's features.
Needless to say he looked like me
Like a dark reflection,
Stretching out before myself
My perfect complexion.
Thinking all of this junk over
I know just what to do,
The perfect thing for summer
Playing 'til daylight's through.
I just thought of in my head
An amazing challenge,
To see who can make it first
To the forests fringe.
So we continue our play
Amongst the willow trees,
Till the sun starts to descend
And flowers turn away bees.
Then Mother calls from the porch
and it is time to go home,
Me and my friend leap down
his name is now Jerome.
His figure laid out before me
as we canter down the street,
Is starting to grow morphing into
a monster laid on the concrete.
Stopping in my tracks I gaze down
Frozen in horror at what I see now,
My darkness has arisen from the ground
The one thought I have is WOW!
Jerome is now my nightmare
He has morphed to my fear,
An evil closet monster
Face twisted in a jeer.
Heart pumping in fear I run
Sprinting from this vile beast,
He pursues my desperate escape
Chasing his prized feast.
My pants are moist with terror
Then he is just not there,
He has withdrawn with the sun
and I am left alone here.
To be honest I like your poem better than the original one because the original just bores me. I like the way that you described something without saying exactly what it was and kept the reader's attention. Nice Job!
ReplyDeleteI love you poem Claire! You did a good job with the rhyming and the plot just flowed. Good job!
ReplyDeleteNice Claire! I love how you describe the shadow as a friend until the sun starts to go down and the shadow turns into a monster. I loved the rhyming and the plot too! Nice work! :)
ReplyDeleteI think you did well, and shouldn't be so hard on yourself. The poem has the same rhythm and feeling as the original, and there is a real flow to the words, especially as the end came along. The longer I read, the easier it all came together. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteClaire, I agree, with Maggie. I actually like yours better compared to the original. You did a good job of making the poetry flow and it's easy to read. Great job.
ReplyDeleteClaire! This is such a fun, refreshing poem to read. It's very interesting and I stayed absorbed in it until the very end. It all flows really nicely and reminds me of the original.
ReplyDeleteFunny! I'm not sure it was your intent to have this poem be funny or not but I found myself smiling and laughing. Thank you for making my day! From a literary standpoint though, I think you were able to pick up on the patterns and styles of your poet very well. Like Alaina said, it flows very nicely.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Maggie, I sort of liked this poem better than the original. But I probably shouldn't say that because a professional writer wrote the original poem. I really liked the topic you picked and I found myself smiling at parts of the poem. I thought you did a good job of imitating your poet, and I also thought it was a very good poem. Nice job!
ReplyDelete